Friday, April 11, 2008

So Complicated.

I have no idea how to really even begin this.

I stopped writing in here a little over a week ago. I was sick with another throat infection. That was Thursday? Whatever the first day i didn't write. Then Saturday night I got the phone call from my step-mom telling me to get to NJ my dad was in bad shape. Dylan, Emma and I caught the first flight out on Sunday morning and I'm glad we did. Saturday night my dad had a heart attack and had to be put on a ventilator. They have him sedated and on a lot of pain medicines to keep him comfortable.

I have no idea whether or not he's going to leave the hospital again. I have no idea if he'll be taken off a ventilator or not. The nurse today who's in charge of maintaining all that said he's doing the majority of his breathing on his own. But when they try to change his sedation medicine his breathing becomes very rapid and shallow.

I'm still holding on to my dad. I'm not ready for him to die, although I think if he waited for me to be okay with it, he'd live forever. My wedding is in 9 days, and it brings me to tears every time to think of walking down the aisle without my dad by my side. I knew even before this, that he wouldn't have been able to make it to the wedding, and I suppose deep down inside it would have upset me not to have him there, but at least know he was home. I don't want to leave him and go back to Charleston, but I know that if I don't go thru with this, he'd be so disappointed in me. He was looking forward to it a lot. He was excited about it, and talked about it all the time. So I need to do this.

He responds to my stepmom's voice and it's one of the sweetest things I've ever experienced. He watches her when he can open his eyes. He'll follow her around the room if she's moving. The only love I know like that is Dylan's to me. I would say OUR love together, but I think in every relationship there's one stronger partner. One person in every relationship that can handle sickness like this better than the other one could. Dylan watched me the same way Boo watches my dad.